15 Mantras for Accepting Postpartum Support from Others

No matter how difficult the postpartum period can be, we still think support after birth is a luxury. We are still reluctant to accept help in our homes. It’s uncomfortable to ask, and awkward to receive. What we don’t realize is that not having in-home help after childbirth is actually a NEW thing, an anomaly in the world. In other cultures, there are beautiful traditions – nourishing, postpartum-specific food in China; healing massage in India; frequent visits from your midwife in Latin America; and freedom from household obligations everywhere but here. While we see postpartum support and recovery as a luxury, it is actually a need.

If you are ever struggling to accept support, or you feel guilty over the effort of others on your behalf, focus on these truths:

I just gave birth, and I deserve to be supported.

Accepting help isn’t just good for me, it’s good for my baby and my community.

People love me, and they sincerely want to help.

I will accept help now so I can give help later.

Support from others nourishes my body, mind, and heart.

People are sincere when they offer help.

I am not meant to do this alone.

Mothers are valued; I’m worth supporting.

It brings people joy to support those they love, and that includes supporting me.

Everyone is happy to be here in my home.

Communities thrive when they surround a mother and her newborn with love and care.

My baby is magnetic; I am magnetic.

This support I’m receiving will make me strong and healthy.

The support I receive will make me strong enough to serve my family when I’m ready.

How does Marabou support women?

We live in culture where “bouncing back” is more valued than proper rest. As admirable as it may be for a sports star to get back on the field, the same rules don’t apply to postpartum recovery. The traditional resting period has been stolen from women through pressure to get back to their job or simply through lack of presence.

Grandmas, sisters and best friends who otherwise would have been there to help a woman transition into motherhood often live too far away to be of any help. Household chores and caring for older children inevitably fall on the mom. But she just delivered a new life! She needs rest.

Marabou Services is a unique gift registry which provides services instead of stuff. Most mom’s get too many onesies, too many baby blankets and not enough helping hands. Break out of a destructive cultural norm and start a Marabou registry today.

Start a Marabou Gift Registry!

With a Marabou registry you can sing up for any service which will benefit you or someone you know during the postpartum recovery period.

Postpartum doulas for a first time mom

House cleanings for moms of multiples

Childcare for moms with older children!

Once your registry is created, add it to any other registry or post it to your Facebook and ask friends and family contribute to your postpartum service, rather than buying you more stuff.

More and more moms find they have to figure out postpartum alone. Is it any wonder why PMDs are on the rise? Or women are embittered by the journey of motherhood? We can change that by giving the gift of peace.

January 8, 2019January 23, 2019

Postpartum Social Circles

There are so many various social circles we enjoy: work friends, school friends, family, people from book club, people from church, my best friend, and the random cousin I like more than my other ones. We foster relationship, and our lives develop into this dynamic hodge-podge of people. It’s awesome.

It’s no surprise, then, that we get confused when someone has a baby. Should I do something? How can I help? Does she even need help? Well, she probably has family to take care of her anyway, so I’ll just leave it alone.

We’re not even that close. Is there anything I can do, really?

The short answer is: YES!

We’ve put together this very simple infographic for people in a woman’s life to use as they support her. Maybe this will give you your answer. Maybe it will confirm what you already know or correct what you’d disregarded. Maybe it will give you an idea or spur on inspiration of your own.

The point is: if you know a mom who is in her first weeks postpartum – whether you simply know about her or she’s your closest childhood friend – you have a part to play. It could be as big as helping maintain her house or regular visits to hold her baby while she showers. But the little things – prayer, encouragement from afar, or leaving a meal on her doorstep – matter just as much.

How does Marabou support women?

Start a Marabou Gift Registry!

With a Marabou registry you can sing up for any service which will benefit you or someone you know during the postpartum recovery period.

Postpartum doulas for a first time mom

House cleanings for moms of multiples

Childcare for moms with older children!

Once your registry is created, add it to any other registry or post it to your Facebook and ask friends and family contribute to your postpartum service, rather than buying you more stuff.

More and more moms find they have to figure out postpartum alone. Is it any wonder why PMDs are on the rise? Or women are embittered by the journey of motherhood? We can change that by giving the gift of peace.

January 2, 2019January 23, 2019

How Our Communities are Kept from Becoming Villages

The village is the ideal I dream about. I can make grand statements about how we’ve lost it in modern society and that people have lost the art of caring for one another, truly and practically. But that’s not going to accomplish much.

The truth is, to have a village, you have to be more than just casual acquaintances. You have to see your tribe on a near-daily basis. You have to grow together. You have to really know each other. Like an idyllic small-town community, which the majority of us don’t have. We don’t live in small-town America anymore; we live in suburban sprawl, and much of our connection exists online. The beautiful imagery of the out-in-the-bush African village surrounding a mother with love and care isn’t reality for us! Maybe it’s an ideal. Maybe it’s an inspiration. But we certainly don’t live that way.

And actually: when we put those expectations on our own society, it can be damaging.

When I was a childless newly-wed, I had many friends who were growing their families. Being Navy spouses together, I felt called to lend a hand whenever I could and be there to support these moms who did so much. Their husbands were on frequent deployments, like mine, and having to manage a family and household by yourself without any support is overwhelming and exhausting, to say the least. I was happy to help wherever I could.

But what I didn’t realize was the importance of having a relationship on which to base this support. With one family in particular, I started out with oodles of enthusiasm and said yes to every request for childcare.

This is my village dream… right?

But because my relationship with the mom had no legs to stand on, I ended up as her free babysitter. I was more than willing to help out in a pinch, but without the basis of a relationship, I started to feel taken advantage of. This led to bitterness and self-loathing (why can’t I just give freely? Why am I so selfish?).

This experience rocked me a little. Why did I become bitter? I did what the community was supposed to do! But I realized that if a close friend of mine was experiencing this and needed this much help, I would be there with bells on. But we would be living life together. And that familiarity would make all the difference – I wouldn’t be a babysitter, I would be a sister.

I’ve analyzed this in many ways and revisited it over and over in my head, and the conclusion I’ve come up with is you CAN overstep boundaries even within a strong community. The deep social connectedness, which you find in a small town or village situation, can be lacking in today’s environment and the abruptness and intensity of the needs of postpartum women can overwhelm us. Especially in relationships that are new. Our close family and friends that we’ve known since our own birth are often far from us geographically or too busy to provide the 24/7 support postpartum mothers need. Those in our immediate vicinity – like neighbors or co-workers – we may have known for a short time. Does it really make sense to yell at Americans to meet each other’s needs so deeply when we barely know each other?

How do we bridge the gap?

My ideal is that dreamy little village where everyone supports a new mom. It always has been, and always will be. But how do we meet a new mom’s needs midst our modern culture, which is self-isolating? How do we pull together as a community to care for new moms during recovery even though we are often not near our dearest loved ones or have little to bind us to one another as closely?

Don’t stop the encouragements

It’s easier than ever in today’s world to give a quick shout out via Facebook, Instagram, text – or better yet – a heartfelt phone call. A positive bit of encouragement shines through the fear and “not-good-enough” culture like a candle in the dark. New moms are bombarded with unsolicited and unhelpful advice filled with fear that fuels the innate anxiety they already have (the focus of that first year is often how to keep your baby from dying). If more people were proactively optimistic with the new moms they know, there is no doubt we would see a measurable decline in Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety.

Visit moms with the right attitude

We all want to see the new baby! That’s a natural and good thing to celebrate. What we should also keep in mind, especially if you get to visit in those first few weeks, is that new moms need help! Paternity leave is not as prevalent in our society and dad may not be able to take time off. Mama needs rest. Who’s going to do the dishes? And when I say dishes, I mean the whole kit and caboodle: vacuuming, dusting, tidying, dishes, yardwork… look around and you’ll find something mom would appreciate done. It might come across as awkward in the moment because we’re not used to this kind of approach. But if you follow your gut and just go for it, you’ll end up leaving mom better than you found her.

Gift a practical and much-needed service

Does your close friend need another cute onesie from you? Does your daughter who is approaching her due date want to concern herself with laundering more baby blankets? What she really needs is a second set of helping hands. Give her a postpartum service, instead of more stuff!

Sound expensive? It is, trust me. Even a single house cleaning can cost hundreds of dollars, and postpartum doulas have valuable skills which are reflected in their hourly wage. No single individual is going to drop $800 to give a new mom the care she needs.

DON’T STOP READING! YOU CAN STILL GIVE HER THAT SERVICE SHE NEEDS!

There is a way to bridge the gap between our geographically dispersed society and the needs of new moms.

Marabou Services is a postpartum registry that gives you and your whole community the ability to gift services that are generally out of reach for a single gift giver. How does it work? Instead of one person giving $800, how about twenty people giving $40? Or maybe you don’t need expensive doula care and just want to sign her up for a few house cleanings. Does ten people giving $30 sound reasonable?

Services are what postpartum mothers need, don’t let their price tags deter you from filling that need.

We as a society do a great job taking care of first-time moms. They need baby gear. That’s easy: put together a registry and everyone chips in! But the needs of second-, third-, and fourth-time moms often go unmet. Less than 10% of moms are thrown a baby shower for subsequent children after their first. This makes sense: they don’t need more of that baby gear! The needs they have include keeping up with the other children, and the house, and dinner, and work, and their husband; all while their body moans “SLOW DOWN!” We’ve left many moms in the lurch because there is no effective avenue to satisfying their needs.

This is why Marabou began (see here). This is why Marabou teams up with postpartum doulas (see here). This is why you should remember Marabou when your best friend announces she’s having her third child, or your co-worker prepares to have her first baby; or if you’re a mother-to-be, why you should consider asking your family and friends to gift this to you (see here). Marabou fills a need that otherwise goes unmet.

In our culture of “who can bounce back the fastest,” moms who need a longer recovery time are bullied to buck up against their best interest. Don’t give into the nonsense, mom. You’re not a tennis ball. You don’t need to bounce anywhere. You need rest and recovery after childbirth. It’s healthy for you and good for your child. Your own personal village should be there for you; however they manage to do so. But hopefully for whatever needs you’re left with, Marabou Services can step in.

See our other posts in this series on the why and how of our business:

How does Marabou support women?

Start a Marabou Gift Registry!

With a Marabou registry you can sing up for any service which will benefit you or someone you know during the postpartum recovery period.

Postpartum doulas for a first time mom

House cleanings for moms of multiples

Childcare for moms with older children!

Once your registry is created, add it to any other registry or post it to your Facebook and ask friends and family contribute to your postpartum service, rather than buying you more stuff.

More and more moms find they have to figure out postpartum alone. Is it any wonder why PMDs are on the rise? Or women are embittered by the journey of motherhood? We can change that by giving the gift of peace.

December 11, 2018August 13, 2019

How Google Replaced Grandma

Google Replaced Grandma! Here's the solution.

If you’ve had a kid in the last ten to fifteen years, you would be lying if you said you’ve never Googled at least once concerning your child.

When should my kid….?

What is this…. on my kid?

How do I….?

Our first child was born in Japan in Yokosuka Naval Hospital. We did not have the room for a mother or mother-in-law to stay with us in our tiny Japanese house nor did we think we needed the extra help. I was fiercely independent at the time and thought it would be too much stress to host a family member AND have a kid.

Oh, did I miss out.

Just weeks after the birth my husband deployed and it was solely up to me to observe, contemplate and diagnose the symptoms that came from every pore of my sweet little baby. I was a studious mom leading up to labor, and I knew about the stages of poop, the immediate weight loss and need to feed throughout the night. But no amount of reading can prepare you for the fire hose of seemingly critical symptoms that exude from your kid. With the absence of a grandma to calm the irrational fears that every mother feels, I did what every other millennial does: I turned to Google.

Some of my early google searches included:

What does Whooping Cough sound like?

Are vaccines dangerous?

When should my child turn over on his own?

What is a normal sized postpartum blood clot?

When do babies get their first tooth?

Symptoms of Mastitis

Does my baby have ACNE?!

BAH!

I felt like the lady in Gilman’s The Yellow Room at times. Stuck in my lonely room, with only myself for intelligent conversation. I was alone in a foreign country, without a husband, without family, physically too weak to go out for long periods of time. This baby was all I had to focus on, and I got a little crazed at times.

With the low percentage of paternity leave available and the family sprawl that exists in America, I know that my situation is interesting but not unique. A lot of women feel the pains of isolation after giving birth. This is what leads to postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, baby blues, and the alarming trend of postpartum psychosis. The Yellow Room.

And what did I rely on? Google.

And I’m not alone! Which is scary, considering the limitations of Google. Google is a great resource, but it’s also a terrible resource. Who can you trust online? What is real and what is just a joke? Who out there is good at sounding confident but essentially has no idea what they’re talking about? How do you filter good information from bad information? I wouldn’t have had to Google eighty percent of what I did if I had swallowed my pride and asked my mom to be there with me. Matriarchal heritage is a normal thing around the world and throughout history, for good reason. The grandma provides the balance a new mom needs and is able to give her the direction to focus on the things that matter. Unless you’ve done it before, raising a baby doesn’t usually come naturally.

Unfortunately, the option for grandma to stay for an extended amount of time becomes less and less available to women. Even if a new mother has a good relationship with her own mother, grandma might have a career she can’t leave, live too far away, or their family dynamic doesn’t foster this kind of support. The silver bullet that is grandma is tough to fill with anything or anyone else.

But: postpartum doulas are a close second.

Postpartum doulas have the breadth of experience and the professional training to calm those initial fears and guide a new mom towards where she needs to focus, just like grandma. Many doulas call themselves “experts in normal.” They are able to calm those fears and temper the mind of a new mother. Before long, she is able to regain her center and move forward through the postpartum process.

Obviously: grandma knows you best, and the emotional connection you have with her cannot be replaced by anyone else. This is why in many other cultures, Postpartum Mental Illnesses (PMI) are rarely an issue, because grandmas stay with their daughters and bring peace and balance to a new mama’s life. The benefits of grandma living-in far outweigh the stress I imagined I would feel.

Although a postpartum doula will likely not have a life-long connection with you, they are proven to shine by pulling mama out of The Yellow Room and arresting the pitfall of PMIs that can ensnare a new mother. Most PMIs require treatment to go away, so postpartum doulas’ abilities to identify and confront PMIs are crucial before they become too serious. They can encourage a mother who is otherwise oblivious or anxious to seek professional help and to discuss it with their doctor. And because they have experienced many women’s journeys into motherhood, they have seen all the angles PMIs can come from. Where postpartum depression may be hard to identify, a postpartum doula will be able to catch it.

Google has replaced grandma. Let’s replace Google with postpartum doulas.

See our other posts in this series on the why and how of our business:

How does Marabou support women?

Start a Marabou Gift Registry!

With a Marabou registry you can sing up for any service which will benefit you or someone you know during the postpartum recovery period.

Postpartum doulas for a first time mom

House cleanings for moms of multiples

Childcare for moms with older children!

Once your registry is created, add it to any other registry or post it to your Facebook and ask friends and family contribute to your postpartum service, rather than buying you more stuff.

More and more moms find they have to figure out postpartum alone. Is it any wonder why PMDs are on the rise? Or women are embittered by the journey of motherhood? We can change that by giving the gift of peace.

December 10, 2018January 23, 2019

The Benefits of a Nesting Party

You may have read our post on throwing a nesting party (see here) in lieu of a baby shower for a pregnant friend. What we didn’t mention in that post was the benefits a nesting party can create for after the baby is born. This was maaaaaybe the reason for this idea in the first place: to familiarize a group of close friends and family (a mother’s inner circle, see here) with the goings on in her home so they can better support her postpartum.

Here’s how you can make the effects of a nesting party go as far as they can:

Start a Meal Train

Before the nesting party, start a Meal Train page for her. As they leave, have guests write down their email addresses so you can invite them to her meal train to sign up for meal delivery. See our printable here.

Extra tip: have this sign up sheet on the same table as the party favors, if you decide to do them (see some ideas here)

Coordinate Your Own Meal Delivery Plan for Mom

If you want a little more control over the situation, make an after-the-due-date calendar of your own that guests can sign up on at the nesting party. This way, you’ll have it (at least mostly) covered. Just remember:

Beforehand, ask mom about frequency. Does she want meals every night? Or just 3 times a week (to eat up those leftovers)?
Have your guests write down their email address under their name on the calendar, so you can send reminders.
Provide index cards for them to write themselves a reminder (see our printable here – be sure to print on cardstock)

Around the time the baby is born, send out a mass email to everyone who signed up to provide the calendar and give some general guidelines (What is mom’s time preference for delivery? Does the family have any food restrictions? Food aversions?)

Have Guests Take their Nesting Cards with Them

Remember the nesting cards guests used to clean mom’s house at the nesting party (these bad boys)? Don’t toss ‘em! Have everyone take their cards with them to keep somewhere safe. When they deliver a meal, they can then help out with the area they were designated. They’ll have done it before, so it should be old hat. What a blessing for mom’s family to have an area of their house cleaned every time someone brings a meal. Double whammy! Even a once-over in the bathroom can do wonders for a postpartum mother’s peace of mind.

Onward, support people! Keep on blessing those new mamas!

How does Marabou support women?

Start a Marabou Gift Registry!

With a Marabou registry you can sing up for any service which will benefit you or someone you know during the postpartum recovery period.

Postpartum doulas for a first time mom

House cleanings for moms of multiples

Childcare for moms with older children!

Once your registry is created, add it to any other registry or post it to your Facebook and ask friends and family contribute to your postpartum service, rather than buying you more stuff.

More and more moms find they have to figure out postpartum alone. Is it any wonder why PMDs are on the rise? Or women are embittered by the journey of motherhood? We can change that by giving the gift of peace.