A New Take on Well Care After Birth

I recently read Jennifer Margulis’ The Business of Baby and was fascinated by her chapter on the American postpartum experience. Typically, a postpartum mother has one check up at 6 weeks. Her baby, on the other hand, has well visits at 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 4 months, 6 months, 9 months, and 12 months. At these visits, mom and baby meet with a pediatrician or family practitioner. The baby is weighed and measured; questions are discussed; immunizations are administered; and recommendations for sleep, introducing solids, and milestones are given. I used to jokingly call these my “mom tests.” I passed if my baby didn’t have a hint of diaper rash, was sleeping well, and had met his milestones. I often dreaded these visits for fear of “failure.”

In her book, Margulis highlights a new kind of well visit in which moms with the same aged babies meet in a group with two professionals, one of which is a health care provider, and the other typically some form of therapist or counselor. This is a well-baby and well-mom model. Moms can raise questions, give each other advice and tips, and the licensed professionals can be there for back up and individual check ups with baby.

Here’s an excerpt:

Laura Wise, a family practice doctor based in Oakland, California, understands [mothers’] concerns. She thinks the biggest downside to well-baby care – which is a problem of medical care in America in general – is that it is too fragmented. Wise believes in order for checkups during the first year of a baby’s life to really promote a baby’s health and well-being, the mother’s health needs to be considered as well. “The mom and baby in the first year of life are so inextricably linked in their well-being,” Wise tells me in a phone interview as she leaves her office on the way to the gym. “If the mom is depressed, it impacts the baby. If the baby is colicky and doesn’t sleep well at night, it has a huge impact on the mom.”

Wise herself was isolated as a new mom. When her daughter was born in Petaluma, California nine years ago, Wise knew very few other first-time moms. None of her med school friends had had children yet, and she found it lonely to be home all day with the baby without family in the same town or a community of friends. Despite being a medical doctor, she felt unmoored. “I didn’t know what I was doing,” she admits. “I got postpartum depression. I had doctors and could get medication, but I didn’t have any support.”

Then, in 2006, six weeks after her second child was born, a colleague who was going out on maternity leave asked Wise to run a group for her. In this model of group care, pairs of moms and babies come together for a two-hour appointment facilitated by two people, one of whom is a health care provider, usually a pediatrician, family doctor, or a nurse practitioner. Well-woman care (including family planning, mental health, and achieving weight goals) is combined with well-baby care (including safety, immunizations, and developmental assessments). Unlike in the traditional medical model, the group appointments always start on time, patients have a full two hours with the provider (who is there the whole time, although she does the physical exams on each baby in a space apart), and moms learn as much from each other as from the health professionals guiding the group.

When parents bring concerns – a three-month-old baby who has stopped pooping frequently, for instance – they hear from other parents who are experiencing the same issue, and often learn that it’s not actually a cause for concern. The group wisdom also gives women a chance to try less invasive alternatives to clear up medical problems, Wise says. In one of her Spanish-speaking groups a baby had eczema and another mom suggested trying a gentle moisturizing soap. If Wise had been alone with the patient, she might have written a prescription for a topical steroid cream. But the next month the mom came back with a rash-free kid.

“What I wouldn’t give to be receiving care that way,” said a mom of a two-month-old baby in Silver Spring, Maryland, who goes to the same church as Sharon Rising, CenteringParenting’s founder. Laura Wise agrees. “Having a group of moms at the same stage would have been so helpful to me,” she admits. “If my doctor had taken the time to understand my background, and what I brought to mothering, it would have made a huge difference to my daughter’s well-being. I was not outwardly high risk but if you knew me, you would know that I had a lot of risks for postpartum depression. There was so much that I didn’t know. It’s kind of intense. If someone had just given me a Moby wrap, and said, ‘Just put your baby in here and walk around and you’ll have a much better day.’ That’s what happens in a parenting group, someone gets a good carrier and they share it with someone else. It’s transformative.”

First started in 2006, there are now thirteen health centers in the United States where women and their babies can receive CenteringParenting postnatal care. In one randomized controlled study with ninety-seven mom and baby pairs, participants had better attendance, recalled getting more education and advice, and generally reported higher satisfaction than with traditional care. Lead research on this study, Ada Fenick, a pediatrician with more than fifteen years of experience who teaches pediatrics at Yale School of Medicine, says almost twice as many of her medical students requested to receive training to do group well-baby care this year than last. “These residents are learning a lot from the moms in their group, and about how to talk to people. I think it’s wonderful,” Fenick says. “And the parents are getting a lot out of it. For me it’s very exciting. You’ve got the moms teaching each other; every now and then you look over at the doctor, who’s nodding, because that’s just what she would have said.”

Despite the positive results, in the Oakland area, Wise has found it challenging to get her colleagues to embrace group care. “We are trained to take care of people in the exam room, and we are trained to be or act like experts,” Wise explains. “The idea of a facilitated group, which can be chaotic and draws on the knowledge of the people in it, is uncomfortable for health care providers who haven’t been trained in that way.” But, Wise believes, it’s a battle worth fighting. The biggest difference between this kind of well-baby care and a more traditional model is that it changes our current pediatric paradigm by embracing “the radical idea that patients have more knowledge about their health than anyone else.”

***

You can respect the education and knowledge that a health care provider brings to the table, however, group wisdom, especially growth into motherhood, is incredibly valuable. Moms supporting moms as they are simultaneously supported by a practitioner. What do you think about this model of care?

How does Marabou support women?

We live in culture where “bouncing back” is more valued than proper rest. As admirable as it may be for a sports star to get back on the field, the same rules don’t apply to postpartum recovery. The traditional resting period has been stolen from women through pressure to get back to their job or simply through lack of presence.

Grandmas, sisters and best friends who otherwise would have been there to help a woman transition into motherhood often live too far away to be of any help. Household chores and caring for older children inevitably fall on the mom. But she just delivered a new life! She needs rest. 

Marabou Services is a unique gift registry which provides services instead of stuff. Most mom’s get too many onesies, too many baby blankets and not enough helping hands. Break out of a destructive cultural norm and start a Marabou registry today.

Start a Marabou Gift Registry!

With a Marabou registry you can sing up for any service which will benefit you or someone you know during the postpartum recovery period.

Postpartum doulas for a first time mom

House cleanings for moms of multiples

Childcare for moms with older children!

Once your registry is created, add it to any other registry or post it to your Facebook and ask friends and family contribute to your postpartum service, rather than buying you more stuff.

More and more moms find they have to figure out postpartum alone. Is it any wonder why PMDs are on the rise? Or women are embittered by the journey of motherhood? We can change that by giving the gift of peace.

Baby Shower Activity: Pray Your Friend into Motherhood!

Church groups and bible studies can be so good at supporting a mother as she works her way through pregnancy and into motherhood. This can be in the form of a baby shower or mother’s blessing, bringing meals after birth, or simply praying for her. Women together in a small group also know how to address and nurture the spirit. This can be such a blessing to a mom as she makes this major transition that can leave her otherwise out of sorts, confused and overwhelmed. When friends you know deeply check on you, this can be so meaningful.

It’s also encouraging when you know you’re in your friends’ prayers. Try this activity during your baby shower or mother’s blessing thrown with church or bible study friends, and you can be “together in your prayers” as she braves new motherhood:

  1. Print the prayer card (see here) on cardstock and cut the sheets in half.
  2. Have your shower or mother’s blessing guests write out a prayer for baby and mom on two cards – the same prayer on both.
  3. She’ll keep one and give the other to mom-to-be.
  4. When the birth is announced, she’ll pray her prayer (and as much as she wants to otherwise). Mom can read through all the prayers that her friends are lifting up for her after she delivers.

She’ll know that – in a way – she’s surrounded by a group of women that love her and her child they have yet to meet. This beautiful activity allows mom to have her peace and space after giving birth while knowing she has the support of those closest to her. Happy praying!

How does Marabou support women?

We live in culture where “bouncing back” is more valued than proper rest. As admirable as it may be for a sports star to get back on the field, the same rules don’t apply to postpartum recovery. The traditional resting period has been stolen from women through pressure to get back to their job or simply through lack of presence.

Grandmas, sisters and best friends who otherwise would have been there to help a woman transition into motherhood often live too far away to be of any help. Household chores and caring for older children inevitably fall on the mom. But she just delivered a new life! She needs rest. 

Marabou Services is a unique gift registry which provides services instead of stuff. Most mom’s get too many onesies, too many baby blankets and not enough helping hands. Break out of a destructive cultural norm and start a Marabou registry today.

Start a Marabou Gift Registry!

With a Marabou registry you can sing up for any service which will benefit you or someone you know during the postpartum recovery period.

Postpartum doulas for a first time mom

House cleanings for moms of multiples

Childcare for moms with older children!

Once your registry is created, add it to any other registry or post it to your Facebook and ask friends and family contribute to your postpartum service, rather than buying you more stuff.

More and more moms find they have to figure out postpartum alone. Is it any wonder why PMDs are on the rise? Or women are embittered by the journey of motherhood? We can change that by giving the gift of peace.

How Our Communities are Kept from Becoming Villages

The village is the ideal I dream about. I can make grand statements about how we’ve lost it in modern society and that people have lost the art of caring for one another, truly and practically. But that’s not going to accomplish much.

The truth is, to have a village, you have to be more than just casual acquaintances. You have to see your tribe on a near-daily basis. You have to grow together. You have to really know each other. Like an idyllic small-town community, which the majority of us don’t have. We don’t live in small-town America anymore; we live in suburban sprawl, and much of our connection exists online. The beautiful imagery of the out-in-the-bush African village surrounding a mother with love and care isn’t reality for us! Maybe it’s an ideal. Maybe it’s an inspiration. But we certainly don’t live that way.

And actually: when we put those expectations on our own society, it can be damaging.

When I was a childless newly-wed, I had many friends who were growing their families. Being Navy spouses together, I felt called to lend a hand whenever I could and be there to support these moms who did so much. Their husbands were on frequent deployments, like mine, and having to manage a family and household by yourself without any support is overwhelming and exhausting, to say the least. I was happy to help wherever I could.

But what I didn’t realize was the importance of having a relationship on which to base this support. With one family in particular, I started out with oodles of enthusiasm and said yes to every request for childcare.

This is my village dream… right?

But because my relationship with the mom had no legs to stand on, I ended up as her free babysitter. I was more than willing to help out in a pinch, but without the basis of a relationship, I started to feel taken advantage of. This led to bitterness and self-loathing (why can’t I just give freely? Why am I so selfish?).  

This experience rocked me a little. Why did I become bitter? I did what the community was supposed to do! But I realized that if a close friend of mine was experiencing this and needed this much help, I would be there with bells on. But we would be living life together. And that familiarity would make all the difference – I wouldn’t be a babysitter, I would be a sister.

I’ve analyzed this in many ways and revisited it over and over in my head, and the conclusion I’ve come up with is you CAN overstep boundaries even within a strong community. The deep social connectedness, which you find in a small town or village situation, can be lacking in today’s environment and the abruptness and intensity of the needs of postpartum women can overwhelm us. Especially in relationships that are new. Our close family and friends that we’ve known since our own birth are often far from us geographically or too busy to provide the 24/7 support postpartum mothers need. Those in our immediate vicinity – like neighbors or co-workers – we may have known for a short time. Does it really make sense to yell at Americans to meet each other’s needs so deeply when we barely know each other?

How do we bridge the gap?

My ideal is that dreamy little village where everyone supports a new mom. It always has been, and always will be. But how do we meet a new mom’s needs midst our modern culture, which is self-isolating? How do we pull together as a community to care for new moms during recovery even though we are often not near our dearest loved ones or have little to bind us to one another as closely?

  1. Don’t stop the encouragements

It’s easier than ever in today’s world to give a quick shout out via Facebook, Instagram, text – or better yet – a heartfelt phone call. A positive bit of encouragement shines through the fear and “not-good-enough” culture like a candle in the dark. New moms are bombarded with unsolicited and unhelpful advice filled with fear that fuels the innate anxiety they already have (the focus of that first year is often how to keep your baby from dying). If more people were proactively optimistic with the new moms they know, there is no doubt we would see a measurable decline in Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety.

  1. Visit moms with the right attitude

We all want to see the new baby! That’s a natural and good thing to celebrate. What we should also keep in mind, especially if you get to visit in those first few weeks, is that new moms need help! Paternity leave is not as prevalent in our society and dad may not be able to take time off. Mama needs rest. Who’s going to do the dishes? And when I say dishes, I mean the whole kit and caboodle: vacuuming, dusting, tidying, dishes, yardwork… look around and you’ll find something mom would appreciate done. It might come across as awkward in the moment because we’re not used to this kind of approach. But if you follow your gut and just go for it, you’ll end up leaving mom better than you found her.

  1. Gift a practical and much-needed service

Does your close friend need another cute onesie from you? Does your daughter who is approaching her due date want to concern herself with laundering more baby blankets? What she really needs is a second set of helping hands. Give her a postpartum service, instead of more stuff!

Sound expensive? It is, trust me. Even a single house cleaning can cost hundreds of dollars, and postpartum doulas have valuable skills which are reflected in their hourly wage. No single individual is going to drop $800 to give a new mom the care she needs.

DON’T STOP READING! YOU CAN STILL GIVE HER THAT SERVICE SHE NEEDS!

There is a way to bridge the gap between our geographically dispersed society and the needs of new moms.

Marabou Services is a postpartum registry that gives you and your whole community the ability to gift services that are generally out of reach for a single gift giver. How does it work? Instead of one person giving $800, how about twenty people giving $40? Or maybe you don’t need expensive doula care and just want to sign her up for a few house cleanings. Does ten people giving $30 sound reasonable?

Services are what postpartum mothers need, don’t let their price tags deter you from filling that need.

We as a society do a great job taking care of first-time moms. They need baby gear. That’s easy: put together a registry and everyone chips in! But the needs of second-, third-, and fourth-time moms often go unmet. Less than 10% of moms are thrown a baby shower for subsequent children after their first. This makes sense: they don’t need more of that baby gear! The needs they have include keeping up with the other children, and the house, and dinner, and work, and their husband; all while their body moans “SLOW DOWN!” We’ve left many moms in the lurch because there is no effective avenue to satisfying their needs.

This is why Marabou began (see here). This is why Marabou teams up with postpartum doulas (see here). This is why you should remember Marabou when your best friend announces she’s having her third child, or your co-worker prepares to have her first baby; or if you’re a mother-to-be, why you should consider asking your family and friends to gift this to you (see here). Marabou fills a need that otherwise goes unmet.

In our culture of “who can bounce back the fastest,” moms who need a longer recovery time are bullied to buck up against their best interest. Don’t give into the nonsense, mom. You’re not a tennis ball. You don’t need to bounce anywhere. You need rest and recovery after childbirth. It’s healthy for you and good for your child. Your own personal village should be there for you; however they manage to do so. But hopefully for whatever needs you’re left with, Marabou Services can step in.

See our other posts in this series on the why and how of our business:

How does Marabou support women?

We live in culture where “bouncing back” is more valued than proper rest. As admirable as it may be for a sports star to get back on the field, the same rules don’t apply to postpartum recovery. The traditional resting period has been stolen from women through pressure to get back to their job or simply through lack of presence.

Grandmas, sisters and best friends who otherwise would have been there to help a woman transition into motherhood often live too far away to be of any help. Household chores and caring for older children inevitably fall on the mom. But she just delivered a new life! She needs rest. 

Marabou Services is a unique gift registry which provides services instead of stuff. Most mom’s get too many onesies, too many baby blankets and not enough helping hands. Break out of a destructive cultural norm and start a Marabou registry today.

Start a Marabou Gift Registry!

With a Marabou registry you can sing up for any service which will benefit you or someone you know during the postpartum recovery period.

Postpartum doulas for a first time mom

House cleanings for moms of multiples

Childcare for moms with older children!

Once your registry is created, add it to any other registry or post it to your Facebook and ask friends and family contribute to your postpartum service, rather than buying you more stuff.

More and more moms find they have to figure out postpartum alone. Is it any wonder why PMDs are on the rise? Or women are embittered by the journey of motherhood? We can change that by giving the gift of peace.

Skip the Baby Shower and Throw Her a Nesting Party!

Skip the Baby Shower and Throw Her a Nesting Party!

Golly! There are so many boundaries with helping each other, aren’t there? So much fear? So much insecurity and uncertainty? Whenever a friend of mine is postpartum, my mind whirs.

Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I overwhelming her? Are the things I’m doing the things she actually needs, or just the things I think she needs? Am I even the person to do this for her?

In my dreams, I am what Heng Ou calls the Fantasy Visitor. I show up at a new mother’s doorstep at a time she knows I’m coming. There’s a meal in my hand (and muffins, and homemade bread!) that I tuck into her fridge for later. I step in quietly and keep a peaceful atmosphere. This is her and her baby’s time for quiet and rest. I give my friend a gentle squeeze and gush with her over her new beautiful baby.

I know what you’re thinking: this is all pretty easy and natural so far, right?

Without her asking, I go to the sink to wash my hands to hold her baby (but only if she wants). While I’m there, I wash the dishes. I already know what gets hand-washed and what can be placed in the dishwasher. I know where to find extra dish soap. When I’m done, I gently take baby and mom gives a small sigh of relief as she stretches out her shoulders. We sit on her couch; her living room is in upheaval but she already knows I don’t care and doesn’t fuss over it. She melts into the couch and we discuss how things are going. I ask: does she need to process her birth experience? How is nursing going? What’s been her biggest challenge? I don’t ask if baby is sleeping through the night. I don’t ever ask if baby sleeps through the night. It’s not the right goal for a newborn mother.

About 45 minutes into my visit, mom yawns and I rise to give her the baby. I suggest she go and rest. I’ll let myself out. As she ascends her stairs to cocoon in bed with baby, I sneak into her front closet to find her broom. I sweep her kitchen, then I quickly clean her bathroom. I make sure everything is tidy, put out some dishes for dinner that her husband can find when he gets home, and slip out the door.

This postpartum support. This nourishment. This freedom to have her needs met. This ability to not welcome “guests” but true friends that help out is what mothers need when they’re fresh from childbirth. But this vision? It takes work. It takes time, intention and effort. You can’t just bounce into someone’s life and say: “We’re friends; show me the broom!” That kind of social connectedness requires finesse. And maybe years of friendship. You may desire to be there for a new mother you know, but the abruptness and intensity can be awkward.

I recently brought a meal to a friend of mine who was 9 days postpartum. Friend is a loose term. I adore her and want to become closer. We met at church and our relationship is just – new. A meal and quick chat were appropriate. I did my best to encourage her and bring her joy. But, I’m new to her life; it was my first time in her home. If I were to start rummaging around in her kitchen to “help out,” I might do more damage than good by making her feel uncomfortable. Perhaps I could do the dishes. But anything beyond this basic chore requires foreknowledge that is acquired over time.

At any rate – whether we have the closeness we need for postpartum support or not – we need intention. Things don’t happen magically. But one way to at least get acquainted with a new mother’s home is to throw her a prenatal nesting party!

Now, does it really make sense to throw another baby shower for a mom going on her third, fourth or fifth child? This isn’t exactly her first rodeo. But don’t we still itch to celebrate her? She’s having a baby! Her family is about to change and grow and that deserves recognition. What is more, the larger the family, the larger the need. She’ll need friends who know their way around and are comfortable in her home. So, when your friend is pregnant, ditch the baby shower idea and instead throw her a nesting party:

Before the Party

  1. One month before: Invite all of mom’s closest friends and tell them to wear their cleaning clothes. This is not a day to look your best; it’s a day to nest with mom.
  2. One to two weeks before: Before the day, meet with mom and discuss what goes on to maintain her home. Go through the different sections of her home (you can use our master list for guidance – here) and break it down, including rooms mom doesn’t want touched. That’s ok, too! You’ll use this information to set up a nesting board that her friends can choose from.
    1. Also, see Note below.
  3. The week before: Get artsy! Make a nesting board using a foam board, colorful index cards, and tape (or use our nesting cards: here). During the party, people can choose a card and perform the outlined tasks. Seriously, the house will be clean in a half hour!
  4. The hours before (set up at mom’s house):
    1. Set up your nesting board where you’ll welcome and intro guests.
    2. Set up water and cups in the kitchen.
    3. Set up a laundry basket in a central area for people to put items they’re unsure of; mom can sort through this basket later.
    4. Throw bed sheets and bathroom linens in the washer! Beds will be remade and towels folded and stowed later.
Skip the Baby Shower and Throw Her a Nesting Party!

Have the Party!

  • Welcome your guests and have them choose a nesting card. Invite them to have water, do a short overview of where all the cleaning supplies are, then let them loose to clean, clean, clean!
  • For more involved projects, like the kitchen, encourage people to pair up and work as a team. This way, one person won’t be inundated with a daunting task!

Note: The first obstacle you may run into is mom feeling awkward. Oh my gosh, people are cleaning my house and I feel so BAD! This is a normal modern-day reaction. Besides the fact that she’s embarking on the most wonderful and trying experiences any woman can go through, she might still feel like she doesn’t deserve this kind of support. One way around this is to ask her to prepare something for after all the cleaning is done. Baking muffins or preparing her favorite dish to share. She could make tea or coffee or smoothies (or mimosas!)! When her house is sparkling, you can all sit down and enjoy whatever mom prepared. This may appease her sense of giving back to the community that wants to support her while nourishing her friends and giving everyone a chance to hang out. Remember: if you have a kitchen card on your board, maybe pull this one aside to do all together once you are finished eating and chatting.

Beyond these ideas, the party is your oyster! There’s no real formula as long as the house gets cleaned and the group gets acquainted with mom’s house. You could set up a schedule for bringing meals and invite her friends to sign up. You could even do favors for everyone as a way to say Thanks for helping out! You could do more Blessingway style activities. Or play your favorite baby shower game. Do whatever would support and encourage mom and help her prepare for baby.

How does Marabou support women?

We live in culture where “bouncing back” is more valued than proper rest. As admirable as it may be for a sports star to get back on the field, the same rules don’t apply to postpartum recovery. The traditional resting period has been stolen from women through pressure to get back to their job or simply through lack of presence.

Grandmas, sisters and best friends who otherwise would have been there to help a woman transition into motherhood often live too far away to be of any help. Household chores and caring for older children inevitably fall on the mom. But she just delivered a new life! She needs rest. 

Marabou Services is a unique gift registry which provides services instead of stuff. Most mom’s get too many onesies, too many baby blankets and not enough helping hands. Break out of a destructive cultural norm and start a Marabou registry today.

Start a Marabou Gift Registry!

With a Marabou registry you can sing up for any service which will benefit you or someone you know during the postpartum recovery period.

Postpartum doulas for a first time mom

House cleanings for moms of multiples

Childcare for moms with older children!

Once your registry is created, add it to any other registry or post it to your Facebook and ask friends and family contribute to your postpartum service, rather than buying you more stuff.

More and more moms find they have to figure out postpartum alone. Is it any wonder why PMDs are on the rise? Or women are embittered by the journey of motherhood? We can change that by giving the gift of peace.

Ditch the Baby Shower and Throw Her a Nesting Party!
Ditch the Baby Shower and Throw Her a Nesting Party!